Done!

What would a cross-country race across Scandinavia culminate in?


The Finnish line!

Under Pressure

What do you call a chef under stress?


Pressure Cooker.

At Sea

Did you hear about the guy who fell off a sail boat drunk?


He went overboard with the alcohol.

Kutte!

Where would you conduct scientific experiments on dogs?


In the Labradory.

Herbalicious, baby

Did you hear about the ayurvedic doctor who went to a nightclub?


He wanted to shake his jadibooti.

Things that make you go "sheesh"

What do you call a trendy piece of meat?



Chic Kabab

Dandiya March

What do you call the president of Russia when he goes to a Navratri celebration?

Garba Rasputin

(so many levels)

Waffling around (or sprouting pearls of wisdom)

What you call a Belgian separatist with a cold?



Flemish

The flautist

Why does nobody like the guy who plays the flute?

Because he blows, man.

I'm so happy I could graduate

Did you hear about the guy who fainted when he graduated college?


He passed out.

Poultry in motion

Did you hear about the cull of chickens in east Asia?

It was murder most fowl

Chris almighty

What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken

~credit Nikhilesh's friend Rono

Tree's a crowd

Why didn't the tree say anything when it was cut down?

Because it was stumped.

Travelling incognito

Why did the New York policeman not wear his uniform on the flight to London?

Because he was in his plane clothes.

Existential Questions

What would a corn with an identity crisis say?


Main corn hoon?

On-ion

Where do you get the best onions in Afghanistan?


Kanda-har.

Arabian Dudhs

What do you call an Arab who likes his chocolate milk cold and with vanilla ice cream?

Milk Sheikh

What do you call the gents loo on Alitalia?



Genitalia

Suketu Mehta is writing a book about psychics in Bombay.
He’s calling it Medium City.

What do you call a café that erratically features poetry performances?


It could be verse

Cry me a River

Why do couples in Egypt find it so hard to get over their relationships?


Because they're in de-Nile.

Why did Tchaivosky die nine days after the premier of his Sixth Symphony?

Because it was Pathétique

And now that we're at it, why was Tchaikovshy so much more famous than his younger brother?

Because his brother was too Modest

What do you call a discotheque that has shut down?

De-funked


What do you call an exercise regime invented by Maharashtrian aunties?

Tai chi

Children of Boredom

I'm going to have 1 son and 1 daughter.

I will name my son "beta" and my daughter "alpha".

Big B

What did Amitabh Bachchan say when he met his mistress?

Eureka!

One Flu Over The Cukoo's Nest

Why did the cough and cold's mum not let them hang out with the flu?

Because he was a bad influenza on them.

A Professor TeaLoony Special

How does a Bohemian cry?

Bohohoho....
----
What do you call a snobbish cup tea?

Snoo-tea
----
What cup of tea went to the oscars?

Capo-tea
----
What do you call three teas hanging out together?

Cha cha cha
----
What kind of tea does Nandan grow?

Goa-tea


~Credit: Professor TeaLoony

Pollyticks

What do you call it when the Jamaican government's upper house of representatives meets with the lower house of representatives?



A Joint Session of Parliament

Forgetfool

Women always say men are forgetting stuff.

Stinky or Skinny?

Women avoid me either because of my breath, or my width.

Guess my friends, guess

Does anyone dare guess what that is?
(And yes, it's a nofunnyjoke)

Credit: My little cousin sister Monica

Saccha Jhut

What do you call a movie about honest hair insects?


True Lice.

Let's have a Chaat

What do you call fat Delhi-ites who gossip (chat) a lot over paani-puri (chaat)?


Gol-Guppas.

Elephantastic

What do you call a Red Indian elephant?




Apachederm
~ celibacy incarnate

Rhino the Whino

Himesh Reshammiya Nose All.

Mooozic

What do you call a music group made up of fat internet technicians?


Broadband.

It's all Greek to me

What do Greeks say when they see a thunderstorm?


Greece Lightning.

Credit: Celibacy Incarnate

Run Forrest, Run!

Two friends are talking over the telephone:

Friend 1: Hey, guess what! I just joined a gym! Really need to work out now

Friend 2: Yeah, I'm not a big gym fan, I prefer running.

Friend 1: How often do you run?

Friend 2: Everyday. I'm running right now in fact!

Friend 1: Really?

Friend 2: Yes. Late. Bye.

*click*

Up the wrong tree

You know what the problem is with India's nuclear programme?


It's barc is worse than its bite.

Credit: Celibacy Incarnate

Geriatrix de La Rosa

What do you call old people from Portugal?


Portugeezers.

FunCop

What do you call a Mumbai constable who cracks really bad jokes?


Pundu.

p-irate

What will the Hindi version of Pirates of the Caribbean - Dead Man's Chest be called?


Pirates of the Caribbean - Dil Chahta Hai

Note: If you didn't get it, go see the movie you lazy fool.

Poo-Love

If two Biryanis are having a fight, and one is losing terribly, then what will he have to do to make it an even contest?


He'll have to rice to the occasion.

Fat Bastards

What do you call an offensive tool created just to destroy all the fat in an obese person's body?


A weapon of mass-destruction.

Credit: Hatori Hansome

Fight!

What do you say about somebody who's running around, here, there and everywhere, making fun of everyone and everything?


He's running a-mock!

Fatness

How do you encourage a fat girl to have patience?


Moti-vate.

Footbore

AzzzzZZZzzZZZZ*yawn*zzZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz*snore*zzzzzzZZZzzzuri.

Oh sorry, their play made me fall asleep in the middle of the cheer.

Veggies

Two friends are talking to each other at a dull party.

Friend #1: This party is boring, there's absolutely nothing happening!

Friend #2: You're right, cabbage leave.

Friend #1: What?

Friend #2: Cabbage leave!

Friend #1: Huh?

Friend #2: Oh sorry, lettuce leave.

Note

Leo is a lying, stealing Bastard. Any claim he has over the Paris joke is entirely fabricated.

Bitch
Faggot
Whore
CHEAT!
THIEF!
STEAL!


The only original thing he's ever come up with is "Duuuude, man".

Hand me a tree

What kind of tree fits in your hand?


A Palm Tree.

Salsa

What do you say to a Indian in Mexico who dances while eating food?


Nacho!
---------------------
What is he eating/dancing?


Salsa!

Batman

If you don't give a flying fuck AND a rat's ass, does that mean you don't give a flying rat's fucking ass?


Does that mean you don't give a sodomising bat?

MacMen

What do you call people who use a Macintosh in Israel?


Apple Jews

Ahh Paris!

If people from Bombay are called Bombayites, what are people from Paris called?


Parisites.

Unholy Cows

If a cow commits blasphemy, heresy even. If it does something so terrible that it warrants religious persecution, then what would the nearby villagers do?


Burn the steak at a stake.

Breaking Up

If you don't know how to break up with someone, if you're really bad at moving on, what kind of spiritual course would help you?


The Art of Leaving.